Pradnyadeshmukh8's Blog

Just another weblog


July 2013

Married with differences….

Mine was a arrange marrg, proposal brought by my aunt and well executed by my parents. My parents finally found the perfect son-in-law to take care of their daughter, for whom they have been patiently waiting for almost 4 years. The marrg was most talk-of –town with lavish food and entertainment. What my parent’s realize is my marriage was “”with difference””. Me and Vishal are wired so differently…..when I think of it now, I feel why should my parents be bothered about our wiring? Their job was to get us married and the onus lies on me and Vishal to sustain the marriage.

So to start with we are married with differences. I know the fact, that no two people have the same goal, react the same way or enjoy the same thing, at the same time or rather ALL THE TIME.

Vishal is introvert; he prefers to have limited words with other people and likes his own space with laptop and news (especially current affairs). For him, you need to be verbal & vocal about you needs, belief, wants and dislikes frustration. He is more process ordinated, whenever we encounter a bad satiation—his reaction is to find out what caused this situation and then comes the solution. He is very practical, be it with this mom, job, political issues, society, friends, family and WIFE. Once he gets to understand an issue he is very acceptable about it. He likes been subtle and non-vocal about his needs and preferences.

I am opposite to every inch of his exsistence….hence we are married with differences.

Thankfully, we have got a way around our difference. While we live with having different tastes in foods and music, differences that emerge in the face of life events ( jobs, children, financial burdens) often threaten our way around. We still have arguments, oh ok fights. Some times it’s impossible to bear vishal’s opinion about something silly…why does he have a problem with me buying earrings, whole bunch every time? why does he get bothered?Below are few commandments i have followed to get through our differences,

Handling Differences – A Constructive Way

Given that some of the best of what we have as a couple – is the constructive mix of our differences, it becomes important to consider a few steps for moving differences from becoming problems – to becoming possibilities, points of discussion, issues to address, aspects to accept or signals for seeking help.

Remove The Expectation Or Need To Change The Other

When there is no need to change  vishal, the verbal and non-verbal tone can be one of curiosity instead of fear and demand which inevitably trigger resistance and withdrawal instead of discussion.

Making Room for Discussion

In their work on Acceptance and Change in Couple Therapy, psychologists Neil Jacobson and Andrew Christensen, offer couples techniques that we can build upon to make differences less threatening and more transforming.

You and your partner will know if married with differences can work, mine is getting worked till now……

“ I know there is strength in the differences between us. I know there is comfort where we overlap.”

Parting ways again…

Parting ways again….

It’s has been incredibly journey post marriage. Still (after 3 years) feels so good to be married to vishal. We decided on each other in less than a week, incredible feeling…oh!! I have this huge habit to navigate from the topic ….let me get myself back…

I balance the responsibilities associated with being a wife, mother, pre-sales profile, daughter, and friend with relatively grace and poise. My personal and professional lives are in constant competition for my attention. This time , my personal live has overtaken my professional live…I can hardly control the spillover from one vein to another.

Vishal has gone to London for a brief period; I pursued my professional live as pre-sales consultant in India(Hyderabad) and we both were happy with our decision to stay apart for a while. This could give us space in time and body to live form each other and also facilitate the growth in our professional life. With a whopping EMI for our new house: this seemed to be the perfect solution, untill….

Being parent is tough job. Tough for the reason you mind continuously battles between what’s right for your child   v/s what is the  current situation. Doing this your body fails you. Your mind fails you. You fail you spouse. Still the job is undone… need that extra courage to decide what’s right for your child.

In my case, I enjoy the everyday bliss my daughter offers. She is at age where exploration is the virtue of life. From testing water, throwing tantrums, loudly blabbering words which make no sense, being vocal about her needs (which she is not sure)  makes her adorable. I miss vishal missing all this….her golden years of growing. In this phase, she needs us and this need can be defined and understood by a mother…..

To ensure vishal experiences all this I have to part ways with my professional life…..with little hurt somewhere, I say bye bye to my corporate life.

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